wow.
my life's been CRAZY CRAZY/fucked up/awesome/terrible/fun/boring/fear&loathing-ish ;) recently..
I kinda wanna paint a picture of the last two months in detail, but that would take probably days of typing/editing and be *very* long.. maybe I'll get around to it someday.
for now, I'm not even gonna give a summary. If anyone wants to call me and swap recent life stories, I'd be more than happy to, though=)

however, the most recent event to shape/change my life actually  made the newspaper down here.. check it out -
http://www.columbian.com/news/localNews/2008/07/08012008_Car-hits-pedestrian-in-flashing-crosswalk.cfm

yep.

haven't updated in a while... not much going on, really. However..

I started school (again) last Monday=)=) I'm taking 2-D Design (drawing/art), a lame journaling "health" class (where you just exercise on your own and journal about it), and math109. I was scared as fuck about math, but it actually looks pretty easy compared to the last two math classes I've taken and the teacher is really nice. I shall give my opinion of art and health later.. *cough*
My plan is just to finish my AA at Clark and then either A) transfer to art school and get my bachelors in fine art, then get into a university to get my masters in social work and do something along the lines of art therapy or B) stay at Clark another year or two and do their art therapy program and then transfer to another school in portland that they recommended to get a masters specifically in art therapy. At this point I'm leaning toward the first option, because I would really like to dedicate a couple years to just making/studying art. But who knows, for now I'm just happy to be back in school and on the right path once again=)


the last time I was in Seattle, for New Years (that trip didn't go well at all. not worth talking about the many ways it was fucked now, but it sucked. hard.), the starter in my Audi went out (contributing what it could to the suckage occurring). Well, today, through many chance happenings that kinda sucked for the bf and left his car permanently defunct, my Audi is getting fixed! My Mom called around to a bunch of places in January when my starter first died and the lowest price she was quoted for parts and labor was like $650, just to fix the starter. Today Sears told me they'll fix the starter, including parts and labor; fix the torn CV boot by replacing the whole axle including labor; put a new battery in it; do a front end alignment; and balance the tires for no more than $680-sweet ass!
I am *very* excited to have my car back! I can't wait to be able to go where ever I want in *my* car. Being able to listen to CDs again sure doesn't hurt. It'll be ready on Tuesday before I have to go to school that day=)=) None of this would be possible if the wonderful and thoughtful bf wasn't putting the repairs on his Sears card and letting me get him back when my fin aid and loans come through (*crosses fingers for that to happen soon*).


in gheyness, my friend infected my computer with a virus while we were chatting through Windows Live Messenger=( It looked to me like he typed "hey, is this you in this picture?" (even though he'd already stood up and wasn't even at his computer) and there was a URL with part of my email addy in it. So I clicked it and it turned out to be a .exe file and totally fucked my machine, ggrr! It'll pretty much stay powered on if you're just having it sit there, but as soon as I try to run any program it crashes, usually the program will crash first then the computer very shortly after=( I'm using bf's laptop until I figure out wtf to do about it..


time to go curl up on the couch.. I feel really weird..

I'm eating a hella dank caesar salad right now. not that that has anything to do with this entry.. but god damn it's good ;)



SOO!! PLEASE READ AND SEE IF YOU CAN HELP! =)
I want to go to burning man again this summer.. I can only imagine how incredible it would be if I weren't sick (which I have it on pretty good sure authority I won't be this time.. trust me.) But the largest obstacle for me right now is.. I have no one to go/camp with. I haven't asked around or anything, I just figured I could ask a lot of people I know going at once this way.. I'm nothing if not lazy ;)
So if any of you reading this are going and wouldn't mind one more person (it'll just be me going) joining your camp, I would be most honored!=) I'm fine with leaving from either Seattle or Portland.
I will bring everything I need for myself, and hope to be able to have a car that could take 1-2 (depending on how comfy we want the ride to be) more people with me.
I'm interested in being involved in the camp, as much as people would like me to be, and doing art projects and the such. I'm also interested in throwing in a little money on some generators so I can use the power to power a small-ish fan and possibly a LED light in my tent.
I'm interested in in any and all kind of camps and really just want to make this a large priority this summer.

so there's my pitch - any takes? =)
*makes cutest possible face*

as of yesterday when I open firefox all that happens is a pop-up appears and says this:

<window id="main-window" ^ <menuitem id="menu_HelpPopup_reportPhishingtoolmenu" ----^ <menu id="helpMenu" ----^ does anyone know wtf is going on? Is there a way to fix this without uninstalling and reinstalling firefox? I'd rather not loose the custom buttons by the address bar and have to remake them, hehe. besides having a cough, I'm pretty much better. At least physically. I'm getting really lonely and stressed out. I want to go home, back to seattle, permanantly. I miss my friends and the life I'd made for myself up there.. and I don't really see it getting better=( So I'm freaked out about signing a lease to live in a city where I don't really want to be. And I'm broke as fuck, so that and thinking about how I'm going to pay for all this, stresses me out on top of it. I'm scared. And I'm depressed.

I got an email a couple weeks ago from a very special someone. I haven't replied yet, but that's not because I'm angry or upset or don't *really* appreciate the time he took to write it. I've just been busy and guilty of the same thing he was-putting it off just because I'm not necessarily sure what I want to say. But I will write back, soon. And the prospect of staying friends even though being "more" than friends didn't work out so well makes me very, very happy=)

and, even though this happened *months* ago, I don't think I ever talked about the car I got in lieu of the one Mr. Can't-drive-in-the-snow-to-save-my-fucking-life, totaled. I ended up using the last money I got for school to buy a new(to me) car. As you may remember, faithful reader, I was rather upset about my Golf being totaled. I had some time to think about it and I tried to picture the one car that could make me feel better about the situation (that I could actually afford.. MKV GTi woulda been nice, tho=P), and I kept seein a mid-90's Audi 90. I thought I'd never get one, though, because they are blued at about 4k, which was more than I could spend. However, on July 4th when I was up at Stephanie's house we were looking on craigslist and just posted was a beautiful, red w/ super dark tinted windows, 95 Audi 90 - Quattro even. Listed at 3k. I pointed and said "that's my car. I'm going to get it tomorrow." She laughed, as if I were kidding=P I called the man and we set a time to meet the next day. Amanda took me out to Mercer Island and I fell in love as soon as I saw the car. After a test drive, learning it needs a little work on the front, passenger wheel barring, and has a fancy after-market stereo in it, I talked the guy down to $2500 and drove away with my sweet ride!=) I TOTALLY love this car! It still needs the work on the barring/cv joint/whatever done (I've been broke), but it's held up well to my abuse so far=) It has this really interesting mix of old, analog dials and newer looking stuff on the dash/console. And I love that it's nearly as short as my Golf.. makes parking easier;) If some asshole doesn't total this one, I plan to have it for a while.

Dave still doesn't talk to me. He emailed and asked for his fish, and I said of course he could have them - we're working on how he'll get them. But he didn't respond to anything else I said in the return email. It makes me *so* sad. He was such a huge part of my life, and still is such a very large part of who I am.. it's rather difficult to not be able to talk to him or see him at all. I still miss him and it still hurts so much that I cry almost every day. I never knew someone could be so integral to your being that you'd miss them this much, this long after you'd seen them last... *sigh*

I miss Seattle so, SO fucking much=( Patrick and I have been having a long text-message conversation for the last couple days and it's made me very happy to talk to someone up there. But.. if there were any way I could work it, I'd move back there so fast. My life is there, and I really miss it. I feel like this is just an extended pit-stop in the road back there. And I wouldn't trade knowing Joel for anything. But MOTHERFUCKER I just want to be up there again..

oh yah - I still want to talk about Burning Man. But I think that's another entry. Not only does it deserve/need its own, but it's going to be long and I'm just about typed out=P

Still in Seattle. Been having a lot of fun seeing friends and places I miss.
I'm also slightly sick, ugh. It's going away though, god damnit!$&@*)(&@

aannndd.... I'm going to BurningMan =D
got my insurance settlement. With the property damage and personal injury money I have enough left after fixing my car and leaving myself a little to live on for a bit to go, and it's not an opportunity that presents itself very often, so I figure I shouldn't let little things like being afraid of being away from a city with a hospital stop me. I don't want to, and won't, live the rest of my life around my illness.
I'm going with amindadrift and his usual crew. I am grateful they let me join their camp at the very last minute=)
and I'm excited and even a little scared to be going! I went exactly 10 years ago, and I'm very interested to see how it's grown and changed. I had one of the best times of my life 10 years ago, and I'm excited to see what's in store for me this year. I won't expect anything like last time I went, in fact, I don't want to expect anything at all. When the car drives away on Saturday morning, I plan to leave every bit of everything that's bothering me behind and go into the desert and let the experience consume me=)
I really want to get a bunch of canvases and make a mosaic out of them when I get there and paint a painting that encompasses all the canvases, and then give away each individual canvas to different people the night of the burn. Shouldn't be too hard to make happen, just gotta not be lazy and go grab the canvases and paint tomorrow or friday. I think doing something like that will really enhance my experience and make me feel more a part of the whole thing, if that makes sense,hehe=) Yay BurningMan here I come!
(there's also the large bonus of going with and spending a bunch of time with nate.. I've been really missin him since I've been up here...=))

Ok... time for hanging out with people... real ones, ssshhh (you'll scare them away)=P

So I'm here! I'm in Seattle (as you could probably tell from last two postings, hehe).
GRILLED CHEESE, FRIES, TALKING, SMOKEY TIME! I would love it if we could get together and do those things=) I have a car (although it eats gas like fuckin' CRAZY), so I can come out there just about anytime.. I'd love to see your new place, too!
You got any free time in the next few days? I can always pick you up or drop you off at work if that helps, as well=)

<3U! Miss you!

1. be *impeccable* with your word.
2. don't take anything personally.
3. don't make assumptions.
4. *always do your best*

The 4 Agreements is a very good book, I recommend it to anyone.. unless you feel like you've got yourself and your life *totally* under control and are perfectly happy with everything (yah, right.. I know lots of people who feel that way;)). Joel and Heather have those 4 "agreements" posted on their wall. It reminded me to remind myself of them. And other people too.. I think 1 and 4 are by far the most important. If we all did those two things at all times, the world would be such a better place. The only thing I can do is lead by example.. but its fuckin' hard sometimes. Especially when I'm *ultra* afraid to say a lot of the things I want to say. And often I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under blankets all day and cry for the things I threw away and would give anything to have back.. but that isn't doing my best, and I have to remember that and remember that if I get up and DO my best, I'll feel better about myself, my day, and my life later. I'm so used to living for immediate gratification, though, that doing things that will only benefit me months from now is a hard perspective to learn.
blahblah.

Anyway, speaking of learning, I PASSED MATH!!)#@()$* =D And no, I didn't pay anyone else to do it, and I didn't even just sit here and pretend I understood while Joel told me what to write. I really had him teach me. Sure, I don't understand it *well,* but I understand enough and when we were doing it it all made sense and in a crunch I could probably remember how to do a good portion of it. Math095-you've been conquered! *big sigh*=)

I've naturally been going to sleep at like 12-2 and waking between 9-11 everyday while I've been here. Which is kinda weird 'cause Joel and Heather stay up until all hours and I've been staying with them. But I end up just passing out on the couch early and waking up early. I've gotten a lot done these last two mornings while no one else has been up, though.
its strange what happens when ideas get put in my head and then left alone for a while. I don't do well with someone constantly standing/hovering over me and telling me again and again. What I do do well with is if someone gives me a(some) suggestion(s), and then just kind of backs off and lets it grow inside me until its something I want to do naturally. I know this is frustrating to people, and requires a great deal of patience on their part, as sometimes I am slow at making that happen. But it really does work best. I do not like to be told what to do, but I do want to be a better person and make the people around me as happy as I can..=)
Unless we're trying to get out of the house, or I'm trying to pack another bowl, or something like that and keep getting side-tracked. Then its most helpful if people kindly remind of what I'm actually trying to do, hehe.

Okay.. bored now=P Guess I'm gonna watch a movie or somethin..

Well, I'm in Seattle.
I've been here since Thursday evening. I've spent time with a few friends. Been to a few places that hold special meaning for me and were surprisingly difficult to be around.
Hopefully a little later today all my math for the quarter will be turned in and I'll hope for enough credit to pass.. or not. either way - I'm not really expecting much.
I'm trying to be okay.. but it's really, truly, fucking hard. I don't mean to whine or be difficult or anything like that - I just have to have someone to tell that I hurt, and not have them make me feel bad for it.. or scoff at me (figuratively or literally) for having so many feelings. And right now, I think this is the closest I'm going to get..

there is one thing I've decided I'm fucking done with. I want to wake up and see the sun and be free and happy and look forward to all the things I'm going to do that day. I want that person back, I miss her.. "you would not understand, this is not how I am..."
And I'm impatient and since I can see how I want that back, I want it back *now*. And its really hard to accept that it might (probably, almost for certain) will be a path that'll take some time to travel. But I want it to be over, I want to be better than this.. for... somebody special, if nothing else.
I can look back and blame a million things for how it got this way, myself at the top of the list. But, although not a fucking second goes by that I don't wish my hardest to have it all back the way it was before I fucked it up, I know that I've got to fix now. So I'm going to try. And I hope that when I fall and falter and reach out for your hands to help me, they'll be there. I know they will. I've got some amazing friends - I would not be here without them.

we'll see, Life, we'll see..

I need someone to hold me. And promise me that everything is going to be ok.
But through all the very things that I hate so much about myself, I drove that person away.. and now I'm here alone.



I don't always feel quite this shitty, I do have some rather enjoyable times. I'll try to post about those more often.. even I'm sick of myself.
sorry, lj-land.

=E

fuck. I feel like there are a thousand voices screaming at me in my head.. and I just want them to stop.
I just want one thing, the only thing I've ever really wanted, and I can't provide it to myself.. and other people are so disappointing.
I'm 27, and I'm tired. I'm cynical and jaded 'cause that's all life has ever shown me to be. Nothing works out.. not like you're lead to believe it will with faerie tales as a child and movies as you grow up. No.. it's not like that at all. But what about us, those hopeless romantics, who want nothing more than true love? Where does that leave us? I sure as hell don't know. I just know I feel more alone than I've felt in a very, very long time..

I have this "I don't know if I can do this anymore.." feeling. But I don't know what the alternative is.. or maybe the alternative would be worse, in some way, than the status-quo, so I don't want to look too hard at that option, either. I'm not even sure I know what this, that I don't want to keep doing, is.
I just have this feeling like.. something's not quite right, or at least not quite how I'd like it to be. Like... a feeling like there's an empty place, where something should be. And it hurts, more-quite a bit more-sometimes than others.
a feeling like not going anywhere, even though I want to be.
it's frustrating, sometimes.
and I don't know where to go, what to do, what to look for anymore...

I'm freakin' depressed. and lonely.
fuck.
=(

hmm... well.. it's been a while, at least for a real update. I'm sure many, many (probably important) things have happened that I'll leave out. But there's at least a few things I remember worth mentioning=P

had fun memorial day weekend. nate took me to my first Portland Timbers game=) I was not expecting much, as I'm not a fan of sports in general, but sweet jesus! This whole huge group of people that nate goes with all dress up and yell and chant and get drunk and it's tremendously fun! Not to mention that soccer is by the far the most interesting sport I've ever watched. After the game drinking and playing pool at several bars ensued. I got the most drunk I've been in *quite* some time. I even woke up the next day still slightly drunk!=P

I went to the sandy river with nate and a few of his friends and we played frisbee. Well.. not so much *at* the river as *in* the river. Combining my love of frisbee and water turned out to be an awesome combo=) The river was only about waist deep at the most, until the far side, which we steered clear of. So it was easy to throw the frisbee but kinda difficult to go after it since the bottom is about a foot of sand and the current is pretty strong some places. But that just makes the game even more fun.. I dunno why I didn't think of this myself before!=)
That night I ended up walking about 40 blocks back to nate's, barefoot. The sandals I wore into the river were driving me absolutely fucking nuts and there was no way I could walk even another block in them. I was actually kinda proud that I managed to do it with, I think, minimal whinning (although I'm sure the alcohol helped with that=P) and no real injuries to my feet.

My Mom's is... actually pretty ok. I get irritated with both her and my brother on an almost daily basis. But still, over all it's.. nice. And I like my room here. With my curtains that arrived today (so I can stop using the oh-so-classy blanket over the window technique), I think it'll be pretty much complete. I just wish I had more friends here...

Speaking of friends - I'll be in Seattle in TWO DAYS!!#)* =D nate and I are coming up for the Shpongle/Hallucinogen party on Saturday night, and I needed to see the doc and go to the school while I'm up there, so it's been made into a slightly extended trip: arrive thursday night, leave sunday morning=) I am so, SO excited to see at least some of the people I love up there!

And the best, most important thing.. my "petition" was approved and I've got my financial aid and loans back and I'm starting again summer quarter (the 18th... EEEKKK!!) so they'll be giving me money again=D And this means I can *finally* buy a car! I'm thinking an 89-94 VW Golf or GTi or Audi 90. For the money I have I should be able to get one of those cars in rather good condition, so I think that sounds better than getting a newer car in worse condition.
Now I have to start thinking about what university I want to go to and start applying places. I've already decided that I'm going to get my BFA, and then decide from there where I want to go. A masters in social work has been sounding appealing for a little while...

oh yah, and did I mention SEATTLE IN TWO DAYS!?!? ;D

someone broke teh myspace=(

here's a couple pretty recent pics of me (recent as in a couple hours ago).

( feel free not to click, seriously - do us both a favor=P )

HAPPY BIRFDAY SHAWNA!!

<3&*hugs*

sorry I'm not up there to celebrate it with you, but I hope you have a fantastic one!

I don't agree with at least half of this, but i took all the time to take it so I'm going to post it anyway, god damnit!=P

oh.HELL.FUCKING.YES.